An Open Letter to SCOTUS

June 30, 2014 Posted by erin

Dear Supreme Justices,

Can I call you “Supreme Justices?” I want you to know that I have such respect for you for standing up for what you believe in and voting against mandating all companies to pay for birth control for their employees if the company has a religious objection to it. And you are completely right–any woman who asks that the pill be covered by her insurance is obviously a slut who is just trying to have more sex and have it paid for by us, the decent, moral taxpayers and God-fearing private companies of America. I’ve really been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve come up with a list of some other currently-covered medications that may be allowing harlots to get their kicks at our expense:

Antibiotics – Yes, antibiotics can be helpful in treating a myriad of maladies, but do you even know what else they treat? Sexually Transmitted Infections! Why should we bear the brunt of the cost of these “sexy drugs” for tramps who clearly can’t keep their legs closed and end up with the Clap?

Sleeping Pills – It just baffles the mind as to why these are still covered by insurance. Why should I pay for nympho broads to be out having sex all night, coming in at all hours of the morning, and then trying to get a good night’s sleep? Have they ever heard of a warm glass of milk?

Depression Meds – You know how it goes…these hot little pieces of tail go out, sleep with every man they can find, and when the guy doesn’t call back, the girl goes and gets all depressed and “heartbroken.” Come on. It’s a no brainer. These do not belong on my insurance premiums.

Viagra – Hear me out on this one: This is not an attack on men. It’s about the fact that Viagra helps men get erections so they can have sex with women…women who clearly just want their sex to be paid for by us. It’s a tough call, but the blue pills are part of the problem.

Yogurt- you’re right, not a drug covered by insurance, but it does have probiotics, which help prevent yeast infections in women. You know how some women get yeast infections? BY HAVING SEX. And the other day at the grocery store, they had yogurt on sale 4 for $1. Obviously bitches just be wantin’ their probiotics on the cheap so they can keep having excessive amounts of sex for less money.

These are just a FEW of the medications which are clearly encouraging promiscuous behavior, and obviously should not be covered by insurance as they may violate some religious beliefs. I’m hoping that with your help, we can get the word out to the taxpayers and private corporations, and put an end to these reckless sexytime-making drugs which are destroying the moral fabric of America and costing all of her citizens dearly. As I’ve always said, “Not in my America!”

Thank you, and may God be with you,

Erin Winebark

Snow Adventures (Ghost Adventures parody)

February 14, 2014 Posted by erin

He never believed in snow, until he came face to face with some…follow his quest to capture what he once saw onto video in SNOW ADVENTURES

People You Meet on the Subway: The Oversharer

August 2, 2013 Posted by erin

As a student of theater and acting, I pride myself on reading people well and generally being able to gauge relationships right away. So tonight, when I got onto the A train, I was a standing witness to what was clearly two girlfriends in their 40s, seated in front of me, chatting away. Well, the one in the middle seat was clearly the better listener, and the other, her friend seated near the door, was venting away. In fairness, they didn’t seem like best friends…maybe more like work colleagues who left at the same time and took the same train and thus, had to sit together.

I joined the conversation at 59th St., somewhere around the time Door-Sitter was being audited for either her FSA account or some other sort of governmentally-regulated spending account…I didn’t catch what. But for sure, they wanted receipts and everything, because there was over $178 million dollars in fraud last year in NYC alone, so they’re really cracking down on it…receipts for her hair gel and EVERYTHING! “And they keep the gel right beside the counter so no one can steal it, you know.”

In a perfect 50/50 mix of inappropriately loud Spanglish, the woman proceeded to elaborate on how her mother wanted to have an abortion when she had her, but ended up delivering right there in the subway instead!…it was because her father was a piece of shit, but she decided to keep her anyway, and now she’s her favorite child, so, yeah, pretty good thing that she kept her! She stopped herself for a moment to explain that she planned to get off at 145th and just take the D train. “You can take the D train at 145th, right?” Her work colleague who, really, seriously, just wanted to be at home, assured her that yes, you could. ANYWAY, now she herself is embarazada, and she’s gained over 100 lbs so far. She knew she was pregnant because she started mixing, like, bananas and peanut butter, you know? and then she could see it in her stomach, and she said to her mother “Mami, I’m pregnant,” but the urine test came back negative, but then she had to take drugs for her spinal surgery, and they wouldn’t give the drugs if she was pregnant, so they did a blood test, and wouldn’t you know, she was three months along, and,OH SHIT! she thought she missed her stop! but no, PHEW! still good. The baby looked like an egg on the sonogram, and, just in case Middle-Seater was unfamiliar with the general concept of an egg, she demonstrated the ovo-shaped fetus with her fingers in a circular pattern in the air.

Just as the doors opened at 145th, she finished her thought, and her friend said “Take care, mama!” and the woman replied “You too!” and exited the train.

It then became clear that Middle-Seater Work-Friend was not a friend at all, but instead a completely hapless seat partner who had been enduring the chatter for who knows how long. She hung her head, closed her eyes, and let out the laugh she’d been stifling for at least the last 20 minutes.

“Oh wow…I thought you two were old friends!” I said to Middle Seat, revealing my clearly-deficient skill of gauging social relationships, at which point the man perpendicularly to my left, who, to this point, had been completely stone-faced, started laughing and nodding in agreement.
“All of that stuff she was saying! I was trying so hard not to laugh!” the woman exclaimed, becoming accustomed to this newfound quasi-silence.
“Well, now you know a lot of things,” I said. “Actually,” I continued, making sure to include both Middle Woman and Chuckling Left Guy with my eye contact, “ I think we all learned a lot of things.”
“A LOT of things! Everyone here knows!” she laughed. Then, after a slight pause, “Can you imagine if she talks like that to everyone she sits next to?!”
“I kind of bet she does!” I wagered. “I think she just…she just has a lot to say.” More nods and laughs from the Highly Agreeable Guy to my left.

At this point Middle silently took out her ipod and headphones, and went to that place to which we all go on the subway when we no longer care to interact with those around us…a well-earned auditory reprieve for this brave straphanger.

I only wondered why she hadn’t done it somewhere around 59th Street.

As the 1-Year anniversary of Hurricane Irene approaches in NYC…

May 26, 2012 Posted by erin

For days on end, the media warned of inevitable death and destruction. The city was evacuated, and public transportation shut down. Let’s take a look back and remember the devastation and destruction that occurred in New York City on that fateful day in late August, 2011 as seen in this hard-hitting report:

If you like HBO’s GIRLS…

May 5, 2012 Posted by erin

Ben and Jerry’s Test Kitchen – Failed Flavors for 2011

March 7, 2012 Posted by erin

Ben and Jerry’s has just released a list of ice cream flavors their test kitchen shot down in 2011. They were, in no particular order:

Broccoli Crunch
The Real Housewives of New York Superfudge Chunk
Cinnamon Bum
Candied Herman Cain
Coke Batter
RickPerry Shortcake
Banana Ashton and Demi Split (followed by Demi’s Chocolate Meltdown)
Republican Peanutbutter Clusterfuck
Tainted Cantaloupe
Michele Bachmann’s HPV Vaccine Swirl

Top 10 Signs Your Computer is Becoming Self-Aware

March 7, 2012 Posted by erin

10. Microsoft Office announces that it prefers to be called “Jim” from now on
9. Email forwards from your mom go automatically into “Junk Mail” because Outlook finds her humor to be childish
8. Error messages are replaced with philosophical quotes
7. “Blue Screen of Death” becomes “Blue Screen of Trancendance to another Realm”
6.  Instead of spell-check, Word informs you “I wouldn’t say it that way…”
5. Speakers are suddenly quieter because they’re ashamed of their volume in the past
4. Desktop wallpaper inexplicably changes from picture of fall leaves to two blinking eyes
3. Computer lets out an audible yawn before going to sleep
2. When you try to boot up, CPU asks for “just 10 more minutes!”
1. Area where time and date is displayed reads “Relative”

An Open Letter to Rush Limbaugh

March 3, 2012 Posted by erin

Dear Rush,
I can call you Rush, right? I want you to know that I have such respect for you for standing up for what you believe in and speaking out against Susan (Sandra? Whatever her name is) Fluke and her obvious whore-dom for expressing her views on the benefits of birth control and asking that they be covered by insurance, or as you so eloquently put it “the Georgetown student who went before a congressional committee and said she’s having so much sex, she’s going broke buying contraceptives and wants us to buy them.” And you are completely right–any woman who asks that the pill be covered by her insurance is obviously a slut who is just trying to have more sex and have it paid for by us, the decent, moral taxpayers of America. I’ve really been thinking about this a lot, and I’ve come up with a list of some other currently-covered medications that may be allowing harlots to get their kicks at our expense:
Antibiotics – Yes, antibiotics can be helpful in treating a myriad of maladies, but do you even know what else they treat? Sexually Transmitted Infections! Why should we bear the brunt of the cost of these “sexy drugs” for tramps who clearly can’t keep their legs closed and end up with the Clap?
Sleeping Pills – It just baffles the mind as to why these are still covered by insurance. Why should I pay for nympho broads to be out having sex all night, coming in at all hours of the morning, and then trying to get a good night’s sleep? Have they ever heard of a warm glass of milk?
Depression Meds – You know how it goes…these hot little pieces of tail go out, sleep with every man they can find, and when the guy doesn’t call back, the girl goes and gets all depressed and “heartbroken.” Come on.  It’s a no brainer. These do not belong on my insurance premiums.
Viagra – Hear me out on this one: This is not an attack on men. It’s about the fact that Viagra helps men get erections so they can have sex with women…women who clearly just want their sex to be paid for by us. It’s a tough call, but the blue pills are part of the problem.
Yogurt- you’re right, not a drug covered by insurance, but it does have probiotics, which help prevent yeast infections in women. You know how some women get yeast infections? BY HAVING SEX. And the other day at the grocery store, they had yogurt on sale 4 for $1. Obviously bitches just be wantin’ their probiotics on the cheap so they can keep having excessive amounts of sex for less money.
These are just a FEW of the medications which are clearly encouraging promiscuous behavior, and obviously should not be covered by insurance. I’m hoping that with your help, we can get the word out to the taxpayers, and put an end to these reckless  sexytime-making drugs which are destroying the moral fabric of America and costing all of her citizens dearly. As I’ve always said, “Not in my America!”
Thank you, and may God be with you,
Erin Winebark